Here I am, planning my year end writing for 2010. I try to wrap up the year by writing in my kids' journals, and I try to reflect on the events of the year. I don't normally try to analyze which of my actions were mistakes and which were successes because I think that is all relative in God's big scheme. I do try to think on what needs to happen for the coming year based on the past.
Dos:
Spend more time with my kiddos......they need me to focus and be in the moments with them.
Love more, stress less.
Stay healthy...it makes a difference to EVERYthing else. Can't bring my A-game when I'm weak.
Remember my purpose for everything.....don't get distracted by the speed bumps or my own need for kudos.
Tell everyone I love them.....when I do....and I usually do.
Have experiences with the people I love and get that stuff on film sometimes....hard lesson with an inside story.
Don't:
Let the negativity seep in. Idid that a lot this year.
Use any extra heartbeats being anxious for the small, pointless stuff.
Get frustrated when my efforts do not get immediate feedback.....be happy with the big feedback at the end.
I am here now for a purpose that I don't always have to understand. The system (God's, not man's) has good stuff built in. You only see God when you take the time to notices the good things. When Sam says that he wants to just hug me, or Ashley tells me that the cruise was fun because we were there, when Emily shines that giant heart of hers on everyone around her...those are things meant for me to notice. My husband loves me and shows it in his ways...if we miss this stuff we miss the "God" stuff that is easy to see if we open our eyes. We criticize the people in the Bible for the things they missed or forgot about who God is, but we all do it in our own ways 97 times a day. Stop that.
That's it. I am going to be grateful to be 41 as I head into 2011. I am grateful for a home, a family, and a job. Oh yeah, I love you.
Here I sit with just 20 days left in 2010, wondering how it went by so fast and how much older I must look because of it. I know this year is one I will learn from and grow from, but that isn't where I am yet.
The school year started with a bang as a few old NW faculty and a WHOLE BUNCH of new ones attended a propaganda-filled convocation. I don't say that to say that there was ill-intent in this event, I just struggle with the any rah-rah event that is the result of carefully planned emotional manipulation of adults. However, for the most part, it was effective in rallying the troops of teachers to fight through a year promising to be wrought with both foreseen and unforeseen challenges.
Those challenges have been real. Oddly, for me, the painful challenges have not been from the new curriculum, the new lightening-paced coverage of the standards, the adding of complicated standards that included the ACT objectives, the new grading system, the every 4.5 week, 90 -minute test in every core subject, the ENI consultants over some shoulders weekly, or the many challenges of managing a classroom of familiar kids for the third year (though this has been harder than I expected). I am a born teacher (though far from a perfectly born teacher) and all those were just part of being a public school teacher. I question the district's decision to change so many things at once and it was a challenging transition as a classroom teacher and a leader among my peers, but it was all manageable in my mind. It added hours to my work load, but even that is starting to see some evening out. My challenges have been with my clearly opposing viewpoint of my administrations relaxed methodology for management. I love to teach, but on the classroom level, I know that teaching is too hard and a lot less fun if I don't manage well. I wish that my own management was all that effected my teaching, but that isn't how it works. WIthout spending hours on this, I can't function much longer under this style, even though I think I honestly like the people, even the MANY hired under the nepotism system. Ultimately, the biggest pain came form the realization that I can't be part of it anymore. Without some true evaluation of how and why we do things, the kids will never see deep rewards from this building. Even more sad, I am not really an effective piece of this puzzle that is the NW community because I don't accept the process as it is, and I don't fit in. Enough said.
The bigger concern has been the challenges within our family while I work so many hours to survive the changes and the holes of my job. Sam and Emily started a new school this year. I think that has been an undeniably great choice for Sam, but not as great for Emily. In one year they both went from a stable comfortable life overall (except for Sam's bullying stint at MA) to a new house, new church, and a new school. Emily wanted to changed. She really likes the process of learning at her new public school, but she misses her great friends both from MA and from her old church. She is an emotional person, but she doesn't complain openly about her social situation. However, when I ask her, she indicates that she is on the outside and that she is struggling everyday to find her place. That is tough for her, because her place among friends has always been easily gained. She is honest and kind. She doesn't play games. And she is sincere and caring with others. In the public system, navigating the social structure requires that she be more intentional and even work toward a position. This is not who she is as a person and it is not healthy for her as a Christian. I think she will work through that. My sincere prayer is that she will not trade anything about herself to get there. However, loneliness is a powerful motivator.
Sam is finding a lot more comfort in his new system. However, I can't get him to have a birthday party. He "just wants a party with his family." I never accused Sam of being normal, not one of our kids would can fit under the world's "normal" banner, but this is confusing to me. He has NEVER wanted a friend birthday party. I did talk him into once. I invited some of his friends for a swimming event and EVERYONE, including Sam, got the flu. It was sad. I think he has friends, but he is just so comfortable at home with us. He really doesn't seek that social acceptance that even my girls did/do. Neither Emily nor Ashley have had to work hard for friends, but fitting in or doing some of the expected things mattered to them. Not so much for Sam it seems. I don't want to be the mother who "takes it in to my own hands" and give him what he just "doesn't understand he needs." He doesn't want it; I won't do it. I do plan to invite a couple of his buddies over one at a time. He seems open to that.
The most heartbreaking part of our year is my father's illness. Last year he had prostate cancer, the year before a heart attack, and before that back surgery. He has been a trooper through all of it and overall he has been very proactive about taking care of himself. A few months ago he started feeling just generally bad. He went to several doctors and made a couple trips to the hospital for pain in his back and they kept shooing him off as an old man with old man problems. However, he has some magnificent friends. One day while my mother was at work, they took him the SMMC and put their collective, aging "foot down." He is not leaving until you can definitively tell him what's causing all this pain. To make a painful story short (but not less painful), he has pancreatic cancer. Over that past three weeks since he found out, he has gone from a active older man to a weak, disoriented one. As anyone who has experienced this knows, it is a desperately sad and helpless feeling to watch someone you love so much make peace with the end of this life. I haven't been so intimately involved in the process before so it has been the most frightening thing I have experienced to date. This fear is of Satan I know. John loves God and he seems to have accepted His will in this situation, but watching his life end this way makes me accept his mortality as well as my own. I am a sap when I see these event occur in movies, or on the news or even to others I know, I cry and cry. The first-hand experience is even worse than I expected. There feels like so much injustice in it all, but it is the process of life. Trying to be with him and my mother during this time while being overwhelmed at work as been overwhelming most days. My family is exhausted. I usually sleep like a baby, but I am not sleeping well. I am experiencing some weird health things. I think most of it is just being sad. There is not a big word that makes any more sense to me. I have only been this sad one other time and that was after my divorce from Scott. That was like a death too, so I guess that is why. If I am this sad now, how do people overcome the loss of their mate or their children? It is a mystery to me. I imagine they just never do get over the finality of never seeing, talking to, or holding that person again. The fear of it all is a dark place, but I do believe that there is something beyond. I don't hold that as a crutch, but as an undeniable truth. As I write this and sort through my feelings, watching my father (step-father) suffer this way has not created as big a fear of death itself, but of the process of dying. He is dying the way he most feared and that breaks my heart. I also think of my kids and the day they have to deal with this for Mike or me. My heart already hurts for them. However, our existences are defined by this process of moving forward and being busy. The expectations we've set and accepted doesn't even let us truly experience and share those last months, weeks and days with our loved ones. It is too bad. I think other cultures have better ideas.
Again, this year will prove to be a growing experience from start to finish for all of us in the Cooper household. We've intentionally created new memories as a family, which have also been part of the process. All of us have a greater sense of the value of one another and those we are attached to outside our family unit. Many of the students I have had for the last three years have shown me that they care about my sadness. I am trying to be the grown up and be strong, but they know I've shed many tears. Even in this narcissistic time in their lives, they have taken time to show me they care. That has been valuable for me and for them. This life is about relationships. What else even matters? That is the first, deep lesson of this year. The rest will come as we heal and adjust to the changes.
The third week went off with minimal hitches. It is weird to me that EVERY year I forget how hard the first quarter is. Some resemblance to the amnesia related to giving birth. I think this year is going to be easier, but don't we think that every time we give birth. In many ways my personal year has been easier. I am SO much better at repulsing the same mistakes of time management I make year after year. Each year we (OCD teachers) make those choices to "try something new" that we just KNOW we will be able to manage. I think maybe this year is the first one where I didn't come up with some completely unrealistic, ginormous change that I can't possibly manage while trying to do my best job with what I believe are the three pillars of urban education: relationship, management, and consistency (+ the necessary dose of personal accountability). I am implementing two new things: leveled reading repsonses based on the students individual comprehension levels and dialogue journals to discuss student writitng while acknowledging each student writing weakness. I haven't started either yet. I'm waiting for the class schedules to even out. You wouldn't believe how long that takes every year (staying positive..so I can't explain). I have an idea which of these two processes are going to be most difficult to maintain, but if I predict failure of one, that means I am not determined......and I AM determined to help my students to grow in both writing and comprehension. I will just say that I know that responding to differentiated writing goals will be the most challenging, but, possibly the most valuable. Reminder: I can't trade my kids for the needs of others' kids. (Just a necessary reminder, sorry!) I hope I will begin to manage my time and choose my battles so well, that I can achieve my instructional goals this year w/o damage to those who had no say in my goals (my family. Did I mention, I LOVE the intellectual challenge of teaching, but I love my children MORE. God, please show me how to focus on the gift you gave me. I am starting to buy into to the value of the gifts that came from you.....so show me how to use them the way you intended. Take my will....show me YOUR reality....make it my reality.
Second week down for 2010-2011, and we're focusing on the positive. I am finally not behind. I worked 12-15 hours a day for two weeks, but my grades are in and my planning is on track. Mr. Goering, who teaches one block of reading, is completely unneedy, which is nice. He doesn't know the content, but he knows instruction. Real teachers can teach anything. That must mean I am not a real teacher, because I don't think ANYONE would learn if I taught science. Gratefully, Mr. Vasquez is doing that. He's very upbeat ans seems to be confortable. Chmids is teaching math. She has a very different perspective on things, but she is solid and I love her. Although I MISS Bobbitt and Mesa so much it is painful somedays, it is nice to have a team that where everyone trying to be effective and collaborative. I know as we move along, I will further appreciate this team and realize more deeply that Mesa and Bobbitt are serving better where they are. I still have Mr. Smith here and he reaffirms my belief in character and integrity everyday. It will be nice to get together with the guys and not have our jobs in common. I was a very different teacher. Although they were always so supportive of my "giftings," there were days that it brought hard feelings (mostly unspoken, but not always). In my heart, I believe we have a group of cools human beings in our building; they just need solid leadership and TRUE vision, not just one that sounds good and looks impressive on the wall. Northwest kids must not continue to suffer under the legacy of NW mismanagement. We have a chance, I hope we take it.
On the home front, I am trying to find my house. My kids are tired from undersleeping every night. I hope to get them back on track this week. They tend to stay awake until I can read with them or tuck them in. Sometimes, I find that pressure overwhelming when I got a million work things to do, but it would be more overwhelming if they stopped wanting me in their lives that way. Emily has been riding with me. That is fun. I can't go as fast, but it is nice to have the company. I bought her and Emily those super nice bikes, and they have hardly used them. I am going to sneak over and steal Ashley's because it cost twice as much as mine and she doesn't use it. I am going to ride the Tour de Shawnee tomorrow and the MS 150 in two more weeks. After that, I hope Em and I will keep riding, but once the pressure of training is over, I tend to get lazy and put on my winter 15. I would love to avoid that this year. I take my shoes to school so I can run the stairs, but I never have time to do that. I'll figure it out because it sure has been nice to get back to better shape. It got a lot harder to do once I gave up youth ministries: no more mountain climbing or building houses in the 115 degree Mexican heat. Those were the days.
Well, I am off to meet with Susan Hodges about backward design. I am sure I will learn more than I can give her. Later.
That's about how quickly this year got off and running. Unfortunately, the planning for 20 new staff members was not very thorough. Lots of wholes in planning, communication and follow through have the building feeling very scattered and half-baked. That is too bad since this school has this second chance at making a positive impact on the community through restructuring, the race to the top grant, and a 4.5 million dollar grant from some other source. This should mean that we can get things done. Unfortunately, this has not been an encouraging start. Nepitism and maybe even a little ethnocentrism have replaced effective human resource choices and critical thinking. These are people I truly like, but I can see the same process repeating itself in our middle school. Favors and good intentions unwisely implemented are going to wear down the people who are here to make a difference. I am devoted to my students. This is the third year with them and I am love being here with them. However, after 4 years of being here with some variation on ineffectiveness every year, I will move on when they are gone. I don't have the energy nor the time to spend doing double duty for folks who can't do single duty. It makes my efforts ineffective too. My family has been patient enough. I am hoping God either makes huge glasses of lemonade out of human lemons or shows me what is His plan is for me here. My growing bitterness will need lots of sugar, and the friends who used to be the sugar are no longer here. I don't want to be an angry finger pointer, and I don't want to keep trying to fill in the holes of others' shortcomings. It steals from my efforts to grow through some of my own shortcomings, maybe even adds to the list. I go home every night wondering how many times I misrepresented Christ with my growing frustration.
So those are the ravings of a already frustrated urban teacher, who loves kids and distrusts most adults. That isn't who I was when I came into this job. As frustrated as I am with people, I can only blame myself for letting it get to me. My biggest goal for this year has to be to return to the much more positive person I think I was when I started this gig. If I can't do that...... well, I don't know what's next. It has turned into a spiritual battle. I am sorry about that.
Em and Sam started a new school. They seem to be doing well, but this is a hard time for Emily to enter an entirely new environment. It is hard to be new when you are starting the adolescent journey to define yourself. It is much easier to feel safe in your identity in Christ when you attend a Christian school. Sam, on the other hand, seems to breathe easier. He doesn't complain about going to school, and he can already name a few friends. I just need to get some of their friends over to the house. I want them to feel a part of their new community and comfortable just being themselves. I know God has a plan for my kids. I know He loves them more than I do. God has always been faithful, from my perspective, to fill in the holes of my shortcomings. Look at Ashley. She had every reason to be a mess, and she's fabulous. That wasn't because of me.
After all this talk of an exhausting career and desperate parenting, I must say, that I am starting the Urban Leadership Ed.S program at UMKC in Janaury. I even find it hard to believe that I am doing that while teaching and when my kids most need me. However, one of the additional legacies of working in my school is the thousands of dollars of my family's money that I spent in my classroom to supplement what the school/district did not provide. Now, I need to fix the bind I put my family in. I can only do that with education because we haven't gotten a raise for year in the district for two years, and I don't forsee that changing soon. Mike's options for making more money are limited in a city that is saturated with I.T. people looking for jobs. It should be interesting if not useful for my particular career goals.
In future posts, I will be more positive and get some good pics up of the kids. They both grew so much this summer. We went on a couple of trips, and we are going on a cruise in November. I am going to put my family in the place they deserve in my life, and I am going to enjoy it. NO MORE WHINING.
Emily joined my Summer Enrichment group this summer. She participated in all the technical projects and some of the readers' theatre work. She also went with us on our last two field trips: Nelson Atkins and the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art. I took both Sam and Emily back to see all of both museums on Friday. I was surprised by how attentive both kids were. We had a really great time. Both of them are very curious and interested in new things. I truly enjoy my summers with them. I hope next year we get more time together. As it looks right now, we will get about 25 days together before I go back for a retreat at the end of July. I am keeping myself open to the needs of the many new teachers at NW this year, but at the same time I do not want to forget that my babies are going to a new school, a public school for the first time. They will be my priority this year. They were my first assignment from God, and I can't forget that. It would seem that would be impossible to forget, but when you have 80+ kids counting on you, it is easy to make excuses for reassigning priorities. As the father says in Cheaper By the Dozen, if I fail raising my kids, nothing else will matter much.
We were visiting grandma and grandpa last Saturday. My cousin was visiting with his three sons. The boys were having a great time, until Sam slipped and smacked his knee on a rock. I wouldn't have known about it so quickly except a crying Emily came running up saying that "there's a lot of blood." I didn't even hear anything from Sam because it took him a bit to let it absorb before he lost his mind. The process was stressful for his overactive imagination, but he toughed it out and thought the stitches looked cool in the end.
This weekend Sam played a couple baseball and and celebrated the season with some of his team mates. This is a pic of Sam and his friend Zach during basketball season. Sam will be changing schools this year, and I know he will miss his friend Zach. On a side note, Sam also got five stitches on his knee from an accident while playing at his grandma's house.
Weariness is still the theme of the summer school portion of our summer break. I practically dragged the kids to Ashley's his morning, both so tired they just wanted to go back to sleep. Later in the day Sam actually fish hooked our little friend Connor (finger inside of one cheek) because the two were arguing and Connor was doing some pushing. They haven't been getting a long anyway, but that was crazy even for Sam. After I picked them up, they had dental appointments. We went straight there from Ashley's to Dr. Dyer's office. Sam fell asleep immediately in the car. He then slept in the waiting room while Emily had her cleaning. When it was his turn he wouldn't wake up. We put him in the chair and he slept through his cleaning. He finally woke when the dentist was doing his check up. To top it off, our child who would like off of sugar if allowed, had no cavities. Poor Emily did not fair so well. After the dentist we went to dinner with Ash, Keisa and Mike at the Godfathers. Sam, Em and Ashley played a little Monopoly pinball. We are now so tired, that we are lounging and watching documentary on a survivor of the holocaust. Long day, but we got a lot done. I am looking forward to July so I can have that month to catch up and my kids can relax before they start the process of making friends in a new school.
The last couple days I have been reading this book. It has been on my pile of "wanna read" books, but I got motivated because I saw the movie on the shelf at the video store. I try to get a book read before I see the "based on" movie. I like to form my own mental pics and create my own emotional attachment to plot and characters. I sat on the porch today on a beautiful breezy day and finished the book with lots of tears. Something about the end hit me hard even though I expected it. I like what I read in a book about the mistakes teachers make while teaching literature. The author stated that books are rehearsals for life. As we read a book we are not only reading about the actions of characters, but it is a mental reheasal for how we might handle the same situations. In this book, the father is raising his amazing son during the worst of what we could imagine in an apolcalypic world. Throughout their journey the child never loses his desire to maintain goodness and kindness in a world without it. As a parent, I couldn't help but ask myself what I would do as the parent making some of the choices that needed to be made.
One thing I am trying to do with my summer, in addition to the things that need to be done, is to take the time to enjoy some me time and take care of myself a little. This is not intended to be as selfish as it sounds, but I often read articles that talk about how even the most passionate teachers get burnt out because they never truly take time off. I don't want to be that person, but I struggle to take time off. I am always thinking of the next thing I can get done either for school or for my family. The reality is that if I don't take a breath, I am afraid I will lose my enjoyment of both of those things. So I am trying to work in those things I love to do. I had fogotten how much I love my bike, and recently I have missed riding more than ususal. Some of that may be guilt for not riding more when I promised to ride with my sister in the MS150 again after a three year break. I went out tonight. It was hard in the 90 degree weather and my heart rate monitor was constantly singing about me going over the high end of my range, but I did get a good workout. I am ready to get back at it more regularly. Walking doesn't get your ready for a bike. I just need to get my butt on that bike each day. At 40, I think exercise is a necessary part of me keeping up with all the things I want to do. I am reminding myself that this is important for me so I can stay valuable for all the people I love.
It has finally occured to all of us that the main reason we are having such a hard time dragging ourselves through a day is that we all have similar flu like symptoms (that passed to our friend, Kreisa) that include a sour throat, acheness in and around the head and serious fatigue. Yesterday I could barely drive home with my eyes open. Today, I fell asleep in the car in the driveway while listing to the end of a chapter of a book we're listening to. One more day this week and we are off onto a crazy weekend with father's day, four birthdays, a baseball game, and a baby shower. Those weekends drive me crazy.
On a brighter note, the Summer Enrichment experience has been positive. I think the kids really are learning and using their 21st century skills. I am trying to constantly expose them to new tech-based learning experiences so they can be leaders of these activities in the fall. As an extra bonus for me, I am also going to have them design and construct the bulletin boards for the beginning of the year. One less thing for me to get done during that crazy time. Sam and Em start school the same day I do, so I can not take them to their first day of public school. I can't explain how sad that makes me. I know they will be fine, but I want to SEE them be fine. Since only 11 of the teaching staff has been retained, I know that the expectations of leadership will be exaggerated as we try to redefine/restructure this first year. I still plan to ride in the MS 150. I also plan to leave for 2-3 days so I can go on a cruise with the family during thanksgiving. Overall, I am just hoping my desire to make my family a priority will fit into an increased need for me to seriously lead my grade level team. I think the first IMPORTANT step is to just take some time OFF. Read , relax, and recover. Yes, that is the most important first step.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
We have been pretty tired and run down this week. It makes no sense given that we had a three day weekend and minimal physical excersion. Monday we could barely get our heads out of bed. We intended to come right home and rest, but we went to the books store after school and found this frustrating puzzle of the world. Today, Emily seems to be sick, maybe the flu. As if Monday morning wasn't challenging enough, we decided to get up early and go to Bob Evans for breakfast with our free coupons from the "Blue Crew"(2nd pic) It was a good effort, but the breakfast probably didn't warrant it. When I picked Sam from Ashley's,
where it seems he is being a pain, he wanted to go home and watch Edward Scissorhands. I hope we will all take a nap soon. Sam has a 6:00 game. His season has been short on W's, but it is the first year for many and I think they are improving. It is stressful for parents to watch the guys battle through every game. I hope they are having fun. They would probably be okay with most of the boys if they could just practice together and never play a game.
This weekend we have 3 birthdays and a baby shower. Who knows what that will mean for the spoiled summer vacationers in the house.
As I mentioned in my last post, summer is underway and it has a long list of family-related to-dos. Emily is well on her way to conquering some of our book list. She is seen here reading the second installment of Haddix's Missing series called Sent. This week we also finished listening to A Wrinkle in Time. Emily loved it and, fortunately, we already have the second book in that series. I don't think I even realized that book was the first in a series. I ordered some books for Sam about heroes in American history. When a nine-year-old boy picks up a Webster's dictionary and asks if you know this was started by Noah Webster, you have to follow-up on that interest. He is the first small child I have known in ages that openly professes his love of history. I have to give Maranatha credit for that. One thing private schools do so much better than public schools is teach American history. More importantly they teach about our heroes (of every culture in America) so that our kids can see themselves in the power of the individual. Actually, I think the focus of teaching heros is to see God's power through the individuals.
Speaking of the power of the individual, on Friday we went to Cinemark to see the newest version of the Karate Kid. We took our friend Connor. This pic was taken before the movie. After the movie, Connor couldn't keep both feet on the ground at the same time because he was so enthusiastic about all the Kung Fu he saw in the movie. Actually, even Emily and I wanted to at least join a kick boxing class after watching that movie. It is more about the power of the focus and discipline than kicking someone in the ribs.
I am back at work on Monday. However, one class for 3 hours a day is a lot less daunting than the regular school day expectations. Since I invited the kids who come to enrichment, I know them well and we get some fun things done.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
We're finally at the end of a two week marathon of extra district work. Week one was spent collaborating on an 8th grade pacing guide with the district consulting firm. In our second week of "summer vacation," I started teaching an enrichment class in the morning and complete a 21st century skills "camp" in the afternoon. For some reason this process made all of us very tired. This pic of Emily and our pal, Raymond, represents the beginning of some kind of summer ahhh. For the next three weeks Emily will join me and my 8th grade students in the enrichment class focused on project-based learning and 21st century skills. That will be only half days. In the afternoons, we are going to keep up on our math skills & finish up a couple of novel series (Percy Jackson, Haddix's Missing Series, and the final installment of the Hunger Games, Mockingjay). We also plan to paint all the wood work, repaint the landing upstairs, go swimming, see afternoon movies, go to some museums (Em's begging to go to the WW1 museum again), and have our friends over to hang out. I do have a couple of new objectives for my 8th graders that need to be roughed out for next year, but that must be secondary to my kids this summer. We are preparing our hearts and minds for a lot of changes in the next year, and we want to be rested and and ready. July is our totally free month and I plan to document the fun here so we can remember it when we are stressed and crazy in the fall. To be continued....
Okay, we are in summer mode. I start an endless barrage of meetings next week to help the district transition into the era of a new superintendent. Her goal is to improve instruction and merge the ACT concepts with the state indicators (aka: our benchmarks). After that I get to participate in a workshop where we create ideas for teaching 21st century skills in the classroom with the ACT requirements. This coincides with the start of a Summer Enrichment Workshop with my own kids in my own classroom. This simply means no endless days of summer school remediating students with which I have no relationship and no background knowledge of their actual skill (other than their grades from 2009-2010). I hate to admit it, given my true love of teaching, but summer school is excruciating. I made a promise to myself, and sort of to my kids, that I wouldn't teach summer school in this district. My work load during the year is so challenging to my family time, that the summer is supposed to be theirs. I am getting better at saving my off-time for them, but we need the money. Reality is almost always less fun than our fantasies. However, with my oldest daughter's new home and daycare, my kids have a safe and less expensive home for the 1/2 days I will be doing the enrichment. I will also be less drained (I hope) with this option of hangin' with my own students and creating theater productions. I hope it is as fun as it sounds. I could use some low-key fun. I am not typically good at keeping things on my end low stress. My mind set is the more work I do outside the class, the easier life is inside the class. Not a concept that is popular in my home.
On a side note, all of my closest collegues have been transferred out of my building as part of the restructuring our urban middle school is enduring. We made AYP but had to go through restructuring anyway as part of the Raise for the Top grant from Obama. Since we are in the lowest 5%, I guess AYP is too little too late. My kids...actually, all 7th graders, did rock the test and out scored our goal by another 18%. We are shooting for 75% next year, even without the students who are leaving to head for the arts and science academy. Letters and postcards are going out claiming our school will truly be a college prep school. I am hoping that is not more rhetoric. I am praying that the resources in our part of the city will truly be equal and a difference can truly be made for the kids in our neighborhood.
Well, off to shop with my girls and plan all the summer home projects. Later.
My little school, with its status as consistently low performing, is going through some difficult changes. The majority of the teaching staff, with the exception of eleven teachers, has been transferred to other buildings in our district. Some are headed for middle school positions and some are transitioning to high school. For the summer our school is going into her cocoon and hoping to be reborn in the fall as a beautiful butterfly. I will acknowledge that sometimes purging is necessary so there is room for growth, but it is not an easy process for anyone. As we have learned, person by person, who is going and who is staying, gossip and speculation have become part of the daily schedule. However, overall, the unspoken reality is worry and fear of the unknown. Earlier in the year, when I expressed some of the frustration described in this blog, I thought I would be the one moving on. I wanted a change and even a new challenge, and frankly, a break from many frustrations of trying to do the work a several people while raising my kids. Ultimately, I decided my students deserved my loyalty and commitment to see them through their last year at this school. Selfishly, I came to the obvious realization, that my closest friends are here and the risk of starting over without, them seemed to daunting. Ironically, they will be leaving me instead. As we come to the last three days of school for the year, my heart is honestly a little heavy. I see real potential for great changes at our middle school, but I will miss my friends so much. I am not a person who constructs deep friendships easily. It is hard to find people I feel safe to both laugh and cry with. All the people with which I have developed some of that safety will be moving on. I am trying to keep my heart and mind wide open, because the most jarring reality is....this is not about me. This is about the students. Most of me knows that this change could be immeasurably good for them and the students of the future. I am going to try to have the faith I talk so much about. Sometimes that is the only choice you have.
On the home front, my kids are trying to transition into summer. I am trying to find a way to work and make extra money to keep us afloat, while not eating up all of their summer days. I will be writing curriculum in two different groups and teaching a summer enrichment class in reader's theater. More than anything, my marriage needs my attention...now.
We are down to our last 7 weeks of school. We have started a poetry unit using the novel Bronx Masquerade and studying the Harlem Renaissance. Most of the kids were really siked about doing poetry. Everywhere I walk, one of my students is pushing a poem at me to read. It is pretty exciting to see them so invested. We have been reading and presenting the poetry of published poets. I started the unit with a pile of about 40 poems at various levels, by various poets, with diverse topics. I did my best to match the poem to the student. Most of the students loved their poems and couldn't wait to read them aloud. I have one student who is very verbal and "bossy," but from her actions I can see some of her insecurities. I gave her Phenomenal Woman and told her I think of her when I read it. She read the poem. As I walked by, she stopped me and said, "you think of me when you read this?" I said, "Yes, I see a srong woman in you." She got a little lift from that. It was a good day of sharing and talking about the purposes of poetry. We read everything from "Where the Sidewalk" ends to "O' Captain, My Captain." This week we will be digging into the cause and the impact of the Harlem Renaissance to scaffold the references in Bronx Masquerade. We are also going to read a lot of Nikki Giovanni's poetry. We will begin to write and revise several types of poetry. We will share our poetry along side some excellent high schools slam poets from one of the district high schools. Finally, we plan to put all their poetry in an anthology for them to take home for the summer. The pieces of this plan took me hours, days and weeks to collect, so I hope the end result is a group of kids that grow in their writing and reading of challening poetry. Next year we are taking it around the world. My plan is to explore poets of the world and deepen their understanding of form and meaning. Poetry is an excellent way for them to begin to experience the pains and triumphs of other cultures.
I guess when it is all said and done, and these kiddos leave me to head to high school, I hope they are changed people in a global society. I want them to leave middle school with a bigger picture of the world so that their mind is wide open for what high school and college have to offer. It would be nice if I could truly "see" the effects of all they are exposed to through this reading class. I am just going to have to trust God that something I am doing is helping improving the choices they will make in the world.
Okay, there are no fearless coaches writing this blog, I just wanted to sound tough. Right now I am sitting at my desk (at home) mostly because it hurts too much to get up. Yes, it is true. I am in pain. What is that thing people say when they don't know what else to say.......oh! "No Pain, No gain." I don't know that I buy into that propaganda, but I did thoroughly enjoy my first day as a middle school soccer coach. I don't know much about the ins and outs of soccer, but I know about working out. I know the proper form of a lunge that doesn't damage the knee, and I modeled it up an down the gym floor about 20 times. I know the proper form of a push up (oddly, my fave exercise) so I did about 30 of that exercise where you drop, push-up, jump, stand. I did some running/jogging/walking with the girls who said they couldn't. There is nothing more motivating than having a 40-year-old out do you. It was all a show. Although I told them to start working out during spring break, all I got in was one bike ride, one walk, and two days in the garden. It is all worth the pain,though. I already see that this is one more fabulous way to hang with the kids. It is different than the classroom. In someways, it is less stressful. I just need to overcome my need to always keep up. There is an element of desperation that comes with loving teens while you are losing your edge. They will always try to love me, but the cool factor matters on some levels. It hurts to see it go and realize that I am going to have to find my edge somewhere else...perhaps in being will to let other laugh at/with me as I age. I am a quirky girl some days....and that still keeps them guessing. So as I recover from soccer practice #1, I anticipate many rewarding days to come for everyone involved (I hope)!Go Tigers!
So we are on day three of spring break. The important thing about winter, spring and summer breaks for a person like me (obsessive-compulsive, workaholic) is that if I take the time to remember the purpose of a "break," I can use that time to create enough memories with my kiddos to help them forgive me for the limited portions they often get the rest of our lives together. I like to work. I am not just some sacrificing, do-gooder who works in service to others even if I don't want to. I like it. I like to be busy, I like to have goals. Actually, I am impossible to get along with in 2, maybe 3, situations in life: first, when I am so busy, I don't feel like I am being success or helpful in anything I am doing AND when I don't have a somewhat complicated and meaningful objective to keep my mind occupied. My son did not come by his ADHD by accident. I passionately love my kids, but over the years I have lost some of my ability to effectively prioritize. I want to do it all; I want to do it all now, and I want to do it all well. Just for the record, moms, we can not do it ALL well. That is a myth. I can't truly parent and enjoy my kids on spring break with a poetry methods book in my hand, for example.
So in order to put parenting on that list of "doing it well," I do try to make the breaks filled with "them" time. Since I am very much an outdoor person, the memory-making was on short supply with the overflow of an excessive winter. It has been chilly and rainy for the last 4 days. In spite of this, we could put off our adventures no longer. We had no plans, we were just certain that they would not involve me working or Sam playing video games. Sam and I collected Emily from her friend's (Victoria's) house. The day just about stalled out there because things got rowdy while I was visiting with Victoria's mom. When I finally got them to the front door, Sam's face was red and his neck was scratched. Emily was crying and holding an area near her left eye. This is a long story that involves the breaking of a HUGE rule in our house....don't put your hand's on people in anger. So as I calmly (yes, I was calm) walked them through the choices (while trying to drive) they made and how they made the decisions to put their hands on faces and throats, they cried profusely and apologized to each other and to me. I am not naive...just for the record, but I do think they realized they were acting like heathens and I didn't want to go home to perform the semi-required ritualistic removal of fun.
At this point it was still cold, but we had been planning to visit the community center in our new neighborhood. We went in an played two hours of Foosball and ping pong. I was gracious in my winnings and I even gave them a sporting chance. After two hours of indoor table sports, one works up a thirst. We went two doors down to an old-fashioned soda fountain in a drug store (I am not making this up). The gentleman there made me an old-fashioned diet cherry coke. Em had a rootbeer float. Sam had something green with a name that said something about being green and had a very strong lime flavor. Then something AMAZING happened, as the gentleman was telling us about the drug store's large assortment of urology supplies, THE SUN CAME OUT! It also seemed like it warmed up about 10 degrees, but that might of just been the warming of our hearts. We went home, pumped up our bike tires and explored the new bike trails around our house. May I say at this point, the trails in KC are a gift. Eventually,we we got home. Mike/Dad was there when we arrived. He was a little miffed that I took the kids on some adventures on which he intended to be the first to take them, but he forgave me. Emily and Mike helped me clean leaves out the the flower beds for about 20 minutes. At about 6pm, they left to go back to the community center. I cleaned out the beds for another two hours, and as I sit here at 8:31, I have not worked on teaching, coaching, or sponsoring anything for middle schoolers all day. I am better for it, and I think Sam and Em are too.
So the Coopers are in full-fledged spring break mode. It is officially day 2, if you count the days we would normally go to school, and it I just got up, Sam is already playing Kirby on the wii, Emily is still sawing logs, and Raymond is sitting lovingly on the floor outside my office excited that the people are home again (no 8 hours in a kennel). We have big plans to day...we might go for a bike ride around our new home, then go to the civic center to play some pool, and maybe start on Emily or Sam's science projects (getting chocolate out of fabrics and building a newt habitat, respectively). In between I need to reinvent the curriculum "wheel" again by turning a topic and a book normally for 8-9 graders into an exploratory poetry unit for 7th graders.
So we don't have less to do, but we have more flexibility over when we do it. It is days like this when I get how my job has its perks for my own kids too. Even Ashley has gotten more mom-time. Plus I get to take my 21-year-old baby girl up to get her grown up license tomorrow. We won't mention that I wouldn't have to take her if she hadn't had a series of silly ungrown-up reasons for not having it renewed already...but, again we won't mention that.
On an added note....Ashley and her friend Megan (with more than a little help from her roommate Kreisa) are officially off on their American dream journey of starting their own business. They have obtained their first new client (the only one currently not related to the preschool teaching duo) into the coolest licensed preschool/daycare in Mission. She doesn't look like me, act like me or even think like me, but I managed to damage her with some seriously obsessive similarities when it comes to caring and educating children. She will need her own blog soon. Wait...that is a good idea..I am going to tell her right now. Blessings all!
So I have been working through my frustration with the education system, and most specifically my own school's deficiencies. Mostly, I've been whining and fretting a lot about how much more energy I have for the constant barriers that have been constructed to success....both mine and my students. I even pursued other options outside my own building. Got a tentative offer from a high school in the district. I've been weakly praying about all this. Then, as God would have it, two things happened simultaneously that seem to be His way of both encouraging me and maybe telling me to buck up and stop whining. First, my students were the first to take the state assessment and they rocked it. During that time, I received a handful of letters from my students. They were asked to write a letter to their "favorite" teacher as an assignment in their computer class. I get these two times a year, and they are always such a gift.
Although I don't know how some days, the kids and I are in sink. The thought of leaving them after two successful years makes my heart ache. God isn't setting me free. Moreover, my own kids don't need me to take on any more new adventures. The last three years have already been crazy enough. I can't give up just when I am finally getting to come around the horn again and teach a grade level for a second time. My husband has been waiting for this. I keep telling him that if I make it through all three grade levels, I won't need to buy and create so many new resources. Now, just when we get to that point, I am trying to bail. I need to stop acting like I am the only one with something at stake here.
All that said to say that I am staying on at the lowest performing middle school in my state, and I am going to do so with a positive attitude.....though I am still growing that attitude. It is a privilege to get the opportunity to work with my awesome students and passionately work with them to help them get what they deserve. I get so frustrated that public education isn't the great equalizer it was intended to be, so the least I can do is be part of the solution. I don't want to be another teacher who bails when it gets to hard.
Words from my kids/students:
"The things you help us with lets us know that a lot of people care about us and not just our parents. They make me think more and learn to appreciate the things we have. I just wanted to say thanks for being the best teacher."
"Some teachers don't get my sarcasm and you did so that was awesome. I'm glad I have you as a reading teacher. Thanks for teaching me all those things and being a great reading teacher."
"Thanks for opening up a whole new world to me."
"I wanted to thank you for understanding me."
That is all I can post at the risk of puffing up my own ego. These kids make me who I am. Without their buy-in, my gifts as a teacher mean nothing. There are days when I still wonder what my value is as a white, female teacher in a school color. Somehow they find value in me. I am in awe everyday that they open their hearts and minds to me. God is reminding me that they are all that matters and that I am missing the point if I let the grown ups in my world steal my joy.
Today is probably not the right day to start adding to my “Living the Dream” blog. Even when you seem to be living the sweet life, a few nightmares slip into your dreamscape. I work at an urban middle school that, along with all the high schools in the district, is being named as part of the bottom 5% of my state’s schools. Not surprising really. Our kids could fairly easily be labeled the most disadvantaged students in the state while living in arguably the highest crime area. Our school hasn’t made AYP (not counting a brief kiss with “safe harbor”) ever. Parents get that letter every year stating that their neighborhood middle school has not met the required educational objectives for “adequate yearly progress,” so they have options. For my school, this option means that buses for two other middle schools collect many of the neighborhood kids right in the driveway of the neighborhood school, my school, their school. Parents who deeply consider the needs of their children, rarely send their kids to my school. Sad, but true. Put yourself in the parents’ positions. If you have options that include sending your child to a “productive” school in a neighborhood that is safer, what would you do?
Wow, how did I get on this journey? How did I get the best and hardest job?
In March 2007, I interviewed with the HR director of an urban district in my state. . That interview was at the heels of an offer from another district that was seeing their reading scores decline in the high schools. This school offered to create job for me to remediate kids at a school that was probably at 80% proficiency and affluent. I could raise my kids, even bring my kids that district, and go home and get some sleep at night. In contrast, when this HR interview concluded, I was immediately offered an opportunity to interview with a principal at the district’s most struggling middle school. I did not make the call to schedule the interview immediately. I spent days and weeks wrestling over what I knew would be the outcome of my next step. My struggle felt the way I imagine Jacob felt as he wrestled with God. I indeed felt I was wrestling with God. Long bike rides and walks mentally arguing, heart racing, trying to convince God that I couldn’t raise my own babies and teach in the urban core. I knew I could become obsessed and my own kids would suffer. No argument or pros and cons lists made me feel better. I called the principal, made the appointment, and took the job immediately. The “home of the tigers” immediately felt like home to me. There was an instant feeling of “ahh.”
The first year, the administration was a nightmare, I guess. That’s what I heard, but I was having the best year of my career, so I barely noticed. I was teaching the roughest group of 8th graders I’d ever been exposed to, and I LOVED them. I got them. In a million ways I had been them with all the dysfunction, abuse and deep feelings of inadequacy. Except for the obvious cultural difference, which they were easily willing to overlook, there was a perfect fit. The second year, I had to do the unthinkable for a secondary-certified teacher who prefers actual teenagers…..I taught 6th grade: seventy-five urban 11-year-olds in constant motion. There were days that I didn’t think I could grow the way God was stretching me without breaking in two. At the same time, my super-conscientious 4th grader was having deep growing pains (and a challenging teacher) of her own, so she was crying every night after school. My 2nd grader was drowning in his own struggles and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. Finally, I helped my 19-year-old move to her own home (sad, but proud transition). In spite of all of that, I found time to fall in love with my mighty little 6th graders. I couldn’t get enough of those crazy pre-teens. More than that, I began to see the brilliance in God’s plan for me. Three years with one group of kids (or most of them….this district is full of constantly transferring kiddos) could be a privilege. God began to clear my vision for the possible impact I could have on them…and they on me…if we were together for three years.
Now I am in year 3 at this school and finishing the 2nd year with the same kids. So far, the time I have had with my 7th graders has been pretty terrific. If I could shut the door and ignore the rest of the world, all might be okay. However, I can’t be a teacher -leader with my door closed, and I don’t know how to NOT be a teacher -leader. So, as I said at the start, today is probably not the day to start adding to my new blog. I wanted this blog to be about the joys and trials (but mostly joys) of managing an urban middle school teaching career while trying to be a great mom. Nearly every day, I nearly pull it off, but not without cost. For the past three years, the biggest debt is being racked up against my marriage. My husband is a stand-up guy, but he is still a husband who expects to have a wife. Now the cost is more within me. As we begin to wrap up this year, I begin to wonder if I have another one in me. My “all” only divides into so many pieces, and I am in a building that makes my all seem like not enough. I think this is a familiar story. I work in a building where the focused and passionate spin themselves into exhaustion and the apathetic and dishonorable find safe haven. I spend most days wondering if my efforts (plus the efforts of others like me) can outweigh that mass damage done by others. I watch members of our staff enable and facilitate mediocrity that is a significant contribution of damage to the community we serve, while admin members at all levels continue to enable and facilitate the same cancers among the staff. Some of me worries I will eventually raise my hands in surrender and just become part of the problem. I also wonder how much more I can watch or fight against while I am raising my own children. So I stand at a threshold. Do I continue the fight no matter the cost or do I seek new partners with whom to serve another equally deserving group of students? I need God to either help me renew the image of His vision for me in this community or help me see His new vision.
I do not retract the words of my first post. I do thank God for my opportunities and my students, I just don't think to thank Him for the current state of the American education system or the adults in the world that make the lives of children more complicated.
Each day as I drive to work, I pray for my family and my students....after I thank God that He made my dreams come true and prepared me (sometimes through fire) for the best job in the world. I am a public school teacher to urban middle schoolers. If you don't think that is a dream job.....then keep watching.
Here I am, planning my year end writing for 2010. I try to wrap up the year by writing in my kids' journals, and I try to reflect on the events of the year. I don't normally try to analyze which of my actions were mistakes and which were successes because I think that is all relative in God's big scheme. I do try to think on what needs to happen for the coming year based on the past.
