Ending 2010

Here I am, planning my year end writing for 2010. I try to wrap up the year by writing in my kids' journals, and I try to reflect on the events of the year.  I don't normally try to analyze which of my actions were mistakes and which were successes because I think that is all relative in God's big scheme.  I do try to think on what needs to happen for the coming year based on the past.

Dos:

Spend more time with my kiddos......they need me to focus and be in the moments with them.

Love more, stress less.

Stay healthy...it makes a difference to EVERYthing else.  Can't bring my A-game when I'm weak.

Remember my purpose for everything.....don't get distracted by the speed bumps or my own need for kudos.

Tell everyone I love them.....when I do....and I usually do.

Have experiences with the people I love and get that stuff on film sometimes....hard lesson with an inside story.

Don't:

Let the negativity seep in. Idid that a lot this year.

Use any extra heartbeats being anxious for the small, pointless stuff.

Get frustrated when my efforts do not get immediate feedback.....be happy with the big feedback at the end.

I am here now for a purpose that I don't always have to understand.  The system (God's, not man's) has good stuff built in.  You only see God when you take the time to notices the good things.  When Sam says that he wants to just hug me, or Ashley tells me that the cruise was fun because we were there,  when Emily shines that giant heart of hers on everyone around her...those are things meant for me to notice.  My husband loves me and shows it in his ways...if we miss this stuff we miss the "God" stuff that is easy to see if we open our eyes.  We criticize the people in the Bible for the things they missed or forgot about who God is, but we all do it in our own ways 97 times a day.   Stop that. 

That's it.  I am going to be grateful to be 41 as I head into 2011.  I am grateful for a home, a family, and a job.  Oh yeah,  I love you.

The Dream takes a Nightmarish Detour

Here I sit with just 20 days left in 2010, wondering how it went by so fast and how much older I must look because of it.   I know this year is one I will learn from and grow from, but that isn't where I am yet. 

The school year started with a bang as a few old NW faculty and a WHOLE BUNCH of new ones attended a propaganda-filled convocation.  I don't say that to say that there was ill-intent in this event,  I just struggle with the any rah-rah event that is the result of carefully planned emotional manipulation of adults.  However,  for the most part, it was effective in rallying the troops of teachers to fight through a year promising to be wrought with both foreseen and unforeseen challenges.  

Those challenges have been real.  Oddly, for me, the painful challenges have not been from the new curriculum, the new lightening-paced coverage of the standards, the adding of complicated standards that included the ACT objectives,  the new grading system, the every 4.5 week, 90 -minute test in every core subject, the ENI consultants over some shoulders weekly, or the many challenges of managing a classroom of familiar kids for the third year (though this has been harder than I expected).  I am a born teacher (though far from a perfectly born teacher) and all those were just part of being a public school teacher.  I question the district's decision to change so many things at once and it was a challenging transition as a classroom teacher and a leader among my peers, but it was all manageable in my mind.  It added hours to my work load, but even that is starting to see some evening out.   My challenges have been with my clearly opposing viewpoint of my administrations relaxed methodology for management.   I love to teach, but on the classroom level, I know that teaching is too hard and a lot less fun if I don't manage well.  I wish that my own management was all that effected my teaching, but that isn't how it works.  WIthout spending hours on this, I can't function much longer under this style, even though I think I honestly like the people, even the MANY hired under the nepotism system. Ultimately, the biggest pain came form the realization that I can't be part of it anymore.  Without some true evaluation of how and why we do things, the kids will never see deep rewards from this building.  Even more sad,  I am not really an effective piece of this puzzle that is the NW community because I don't accept the process as it is, and I don't fit in.    Enough said. 

The bigger concern has been the challenges within our family while I work so many hours to survive the changes and the holes of my job.   Sam and Emily started a new school this year.  I think that has been an undeniably great choice for Sam, but not as great for Emily.  In one year they both went from a stable comfortable life overall (except for Sam's bullying stint at MA) to a new house, new church, and a new school.   Emily wanted to changed.  She really likes the process of learning at her new public school, but she misses her great friends both from MA and from her old church.   She is an emotional person, but she doesn't complain openly about her social situation.  However, when I ask her, she indicates that she is on the outside and that she is struggling everyday to find her place.   That is tough for her, because her place among friends has always been easily gained.  She is honest and kind.  She doesn't play games. And she is sincere and caring with others.  In the public system, navigating the social structure requires that she be more intentional and even work toward a position.  This is not who she is as a person and it is not healthy for her as a Christian.  I think she will work through that.   My sincere prayer is that she will not trade anything about herself to get there.  However, loneliness is a powerful motivator.    

Sam is finding a lot more comfort in his new system.  However, I can't get him to have a birthday party.  He "just wants a party with his family."  I never accused Sam of being normal,  not one of our kids would can fit under the world's "normal" banner, but this is confusing to me.  He has NEVER wanted a friend birthday party.  I did talk him into once.  I invited some of his friends for a swimming event and EVERYONE, including Sam, got the flu.   It was sad.  I think he has friends, but he is just so comfortable at home with us.  He really doesn't seek that social acceptance that even my girls did/do.  Neither Emily nor Ashley have had to work hard for friends, but fitting in or doing some of the expected things mattered to them.  Not so much for Sam it seems.  I don't want to be the mother who "takes it in to my own hands" and give him what he just "doesn't understand he needs."   He doesn't want it; I won't do it.  I do plan to invite a couple of his buddies over one at a time.  He seems open to that.  

The most heartbreaking part of our year is my father's illness.  Last year he had prostate cancer, the year before a heart attack, and before that back surgery.  He has been a trooper through all of it and overall he has been very proactive about taking care of himself.   A few months ago he started feeling just generally bad.  He went to several doctors and made a couple trips to the hospital for pain in his back and they kept shooing him off as an old man with old man problems.  However, he has some magnificent friends.  One day while my mother was at work, they took him the SMMC and put their collective, aging "foot down."  He is not leaving until you can definitively tell him what's causing all this pain.  To make a painful story short (but not less painful), he has pancreatic cancer.   Over that past three weeks since he found out, he has gone from a active older man to a weak, disoriented one.   As anyone who has experienced this knows,  it is a desperately sad and helpless feeling to watch someone you love so much make peace with the end of this life.   I haven't been so intimately involved in the process before so it has been the most frightening thing I have experienced to date.  This fear is of Satan I know.  John loves God and he seems to have accepted His will in this situation, but watching his life end this way makes me accept his mortality as well as my own.   I am a sap when I see these event occur in movies, or on the news or even to others I know, I cry and cry.  The first-hand experience is even worse than I expected.  There feels like so much injustice in it all, but it is the process of life.   Trying to be with him and my mother during this time while being overwhelmed at work as been overwhelming most days.  My family is exhausted.  I usually sleep like a baby, but I am not sleeping well.   I am experiencing some weird health things.  I think most of it is just being sad.  There is not a big word that makes any more sense to me.  I have only been this sad one other time and that was after my divorce from Scott.  That was like a death too, so I guess that is why.  If I am this sad now, how do people overcome the loss of their mate or their children?   It is a mystery to me.   I imagine they just never do get over the finality of never seeing, talking to, or holding that person again.   The fear of it all is a dark place, but I do believe that there is something beyond.  I don't hold that as a crutch, but as an undeniable truth.  As I write this and sort through my feelings,  watching my father (step-father) suffer this way has not created as big a fear of death itself, but of the process of dying.   He is dying the way he most feared and that breaks my heart.   I also think of my kids and the day they have to deal with this for Mike or me.  My heart already hurts for them.   However,  our existences are defined by this process of moving forward and being busy.  The expectations we've set and accepted doesn't even let us truly experience and share those last months, weeks and days with our loved ones.  It is too bad.  I think other cultures have better ideas. 

Again, this year will prove to be a growing experience from start to finish for all of us in the Cooper household.   We've intentionally created new memories as a family, which have also been part of the process.  All of us have a greater sense of the value of one another and those we are attached to outside our family unit.  Many of the students I have had for the last three years have shown me that they care about my sadness.  I am trying to be the grown up and be strong, but they know I've shed many tears.  Even in this narcissistic time in their  lives, they have taken time to show me they care.  That has been valuable for me and for them.   This life is about relationships.  What else even matters?   That is the first, deep lesson of this year.  The rest will come as we heal and adjust to the changes.