Today is probably not the right day to start adding to my “Living the Dream” blog. Even when you seem to be living the sweet life, a few nightmares slip into your dreamscape. I work at an urban middle school that, along with all the high schools in the district, is being named as part of the bottom 5% of my state’s schools. Not surprising really. Our kids could fairly easily be labeled the most disadvantaged students in the state while living in arguably the highest crime area. Our school hasn’t made AYP (not counting a brief kiss with “safe harbor”) ever. Parents get that letter every year stating that their neighborhood middle school has not met the required educational objectives for “adequate yearly progress,” so they have options. For my school, this option means that buses for two other middle schools collect many of the neighborhood kids right in the driveway of the neighborhood school, my school, their school. Parents who deeply consider the needs of their children, rarely send their kids to my school. Sad, but true. Put yourself in the parents’ positions. If you have options that include sending your child to a “productive” school in a neighborhood that is safer, what would you do?
Wow, how did I get on this journey? How did I get the best and hardest job?
In March 2007, I interviewed with the HR director of an urban district in my state. . That interview was at the heels of an offer from another district that was seeing their reading scores decline in the high schools. This school offered to create job for me to remediate kids at a school that was probably at 80% proficiency and affluent. I could raise my kids, even bring my kids that district, and go home and get some sleep at night. In contrast, when this HR interview concluded, I was immediately offered an opportunity to interview with a principal at the district’s most struggling middle school. I did not make the call to schedule the interview immediately. I spent days and weeks wrestling over what I knew would be the outcome of my next step. My struggle felt the way I imagine Jacob felt as he wrestled with God. I indeed felt I was wrestling with God. Long bike rides and walks mentally arguing, heart racing, trying to convince God that I couldn’t raise my own babies and teach in the urban core. I knew I could become obsessed and my own kids would suffer. No argument or pros and cons lists made me feel better. I called the principal, made the appointment, and took the job immediately. The “home of the tigers” immediately felt like home to me. There was an instant feeling of “ahh.”
The first year, the administration was a nightmare, I guess. That’s what I heard, but I was having the best year of my career, so I barely noticed. I was teaching the roughest group of 8th graders I’d ever been exposed to, and I LOVED them. I got them. In a million ways I had been them with all the dysfunction, abuse and deep feelings of inadequacy. Except for the obvious cultural difference, which they were easily willing to overlook, there was a perfect fit. The second year, I had to do the unthinkable for a secondary-certified teacher who prefers actual teenagers…..I taught 6th grade: seventy-five urban 11-year-olds in constant motion. There were days that I didn’t think I could grow the way God was stretching me without breaking in two. At the same time, my super-conscientious 4th grader was having deep growing pains (and a challenging teacher) of her own, so she was crying every night after school. My 2nd grader was drowning in his own struggles and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. Finally, I helped my 19-year-old move to her own home (sad, but proud transition). In spite of all of that, I found time to fall in love with my mighty little 6th graders. I couldn’t get enough of those crazy pre-teens. More than that, I began to see the brilliance in God’s plan for me. Three years with one group of kids (or most of them….this district is full of constantly transferring kiddos) could be a privilege. God began to clear my vision for the possible impact I could have on them…and they on me…if we were together for three years.
Now I am in year 3 at this school and finishing the 2nd year with the same kids. So far, the time I have had with my 7th graders has been pretty terrific. If I could shut the door and ignore the rest of the world, all might be okay. However, I can’t be a teacher -leader with my door closed, and I don’t know how to NOT be a teacher -leader. So, as I said at the start, today is probably not the day to start adding to my new blog. I wanted this blog to be about the joys and trials (but mostly joys) of managing an urban middle school teaching career while trying to be a great mom. Nearly every day, I nearly pull it off, but not without cost. For the past three years, the biggest debt is being racked up against my marriage. My husband is a stand-up guy, but he is still a husband who expects to have a wife. Now the cost is more within me. As we begin to wrap up this year, I begin to wonder if I have another one in me. My “all” only divides into so many pieces, and I am in a building that makes my all seem like not enough. I think this is a familiar story. I work in a building where the focused and passionate spin themselves into exhaustion and the apathetic and dishonorable find safe haven. I spend most days wondering if my efforts (plus the efforts of others like me) can outweigh that mass damage done by others. I watch members of our staff enable and facilitate mediocrity that is a significant contribution of damage to the community we serve, while admin members at all levels continue to enable and facilitate the same cancers among the staff. Some of me worries I will eventually raise my hands in surrender and just become part of the problem. I also wonder how much more I can watch or fight against while I am raising my own children. So I stand at a threshold. Do I continue the fight no matter the cost or do I seek new partners with whom to serve another equally deserving group of students? I need God to either help me renew the image of His vision for me in this community or help me see His new vision.
I do not retract the words of my first post. I do thank God for my opportunities and my students, I just don't think to thank Him for the current state of the American education system or the adults in the world that make the lives of children more complicated.
