2011 and Beyond

The new year has been productive and most of my efforts to seek a more positive existence have been fruitful.  I did put in my transfer from NW.  I feel very comfortable with that.  No regrets about my time there or about leaving.  The process of putting myself on the auction block is daunting, but filled with the little excitement and hope for what God has in mind.

My kids have finished their first-ever round of KCA tests.   I think both did well.   Sam is a little frustrated over what he sees as a season of boredom.  He expresses particular irritation over the loss of computer time through testing season.  His teachers say he is more negative this quarter, and they would like him to lighten up. In spite of this, I am impressed with how well he is doing.  He could get straight A's, but I know he mostly wants to complete the requirements,  meet my expectations, and then go do his own thing.  I will insist on certain standards, but I understand all to well how it feels to think of school just something to get through. Emily is experiencing great success in the public system.  She likes the more interesting opportunities, and her grades are stellar.  I don't see the transition to middle school as being more than a minor speed bump for her.   She will jolt for a bit at first, but success will be hers.

The pain of John's death is still pretty fresh most days.  Learning to live without such a positive force is very challenging.  He really buffered some of the things that could be overwhelming with my mom.  So far we are doing alright without the buffer, though the sadness is deep.  I see some mountains to conquer in the coming months.

My life is full of anticipation, but until the blocks begin to fall into place, there isn't much more to say here.
Until then....

Ending 2010

Here I am, planning my year end writing for 2010. I try to wrap up the year by writing in my kids' journals, and I try to reflect on the events of the year.  I don't normally try to analyze which of my actions were mistakes and which were successes because I think that is all relative in God's big scheme.  I do try to think on what needs to happen for the coming year based on the past.

Dos:

Spend more time with my kiddos......they need me to focus and be in the moments with them.

Love more, stress less.

Stay healthy...it makes a difference to EVERYthing else.  Can't bring my A-game when I'm weak.

Remember my purpose for everything.....don't get distracted by the speed bumps or my own need for kudos.

Tell everyone I love them.....when I do....and I usually do.

Have experiences with the people I love and get that stuff on film sometimes....hard lesson with an inside story.

Don't:

Let the negativity seep in. Idid that a lot this year.

Use any extra heartbeats being anxious for the small, pointless stuff.

Get frustrated when my efforts do not get immediate feedback.....be happy with the big feedback at the end.

I am here now for a purpose that I don't always have to understand.  The system (God's, not man's) has good stuff built in.  You only see God when you take the time to notices the good things.  When Sam says that he wants to just hug me, or Ashley tells me that the cruise was fun because we were there,  when Emily shines that giant heart of hers on everyone around her...those are things meant for me to notice.  My husband loves me and shows it in his ways...if we miss this stuff we miss the "God" stuff that is easy to see if we open our eyes.  We criticize the people in the Bible for the things they missed or forgot about who God is, but we all do it in our own ways 97 times a day.   Stop that. 

That's it.  I am going to be grateful to be 41 as I head into 2011.  I am grateful for a home, a family, and a job.  Oh yeah,  I love you.

The Extras

The last couple days I have been reading this book.  It has been on my pile of "wanna read" books, but I got motivated because I saw the movie on the shelf at the video store.  I try to get a book read before I see the "based on" movie.  I like to form my own mental pics and create my own emotional attachment to plot and characters.  I sat on the porch today on a beautiful breezy day and finished the book with lots of tears.  Something about the end hit me hard even though I expected it.  I like what I read in a book about the mistakes teachers make while teaching literature.  The author stated that books are rehearsals for life.  As we read a book we are not only reading about the actions of characters, but it is a mental reheasal for how we might handle the same situations.  In this book, the father is raising his amazing son during the worst of what we could imagine in an apolcalypic world.  Throughout their journey the child never loses his desire to maintain goodness and kindness in a world without it.  As a parent,  I couldn't help but ask myself what I would do as the parent making some of the choices that needed to be made.    
      One thing I am trying to do with my summer, in addition to the things that need to be done, is to take the time to enjoy some me time and take care of myself a little.  This is not intended to be as selfish as it sounds, but I often read articles that talk about  how even the most passionate teachers get burnt out because they never truly take time off.   I don't want to be that person, but I struggle to take time off.  I am always thinking of the next thing I can get done either for school or for my family.  The reality is that if I don't take a breath, I am afraid I will lose my enjoyment of both of those things.  So I am trying to work in those things I love to do.  I had fogotten how much I love my bike, and recently I have missed riding more than ususal.  Some of that may be guilt for not riding more when I promised to ride with my sister in the MS150 again after a three year break.   I went out tonight.  It was hard in the 90 degree weather and my heart rate monitor was constantly singing about me going over the high end of my range, but I did get a good workout.  I am ready to get back at it more regularly.  Walking doesn't get your ready for a bike.  I just need to get my butt on that bike each day.  At 40, I think exercise is a necessary part of me keeping up with all the things I want to do.  I am reminding myself that this is important for me so I can stay valuable for all the people I love.